Laundromat Fantasies

My washing machine has 35 ways to say, “Fuck you.”

F35 error
Beep, Beep!

It had been working intermittently. That is to say, I’d been tricking it into working.

“Beep, beep!” you say, evil, teasing washing machine? How about THIS setting? Rinse and spin, sucker!

For about a month, I’d been washing the essentials only, managing to complete a load every other day or so. I’d been procrastinating getting it repaired, because, you know, money.

But the situation had been getting bad.

Really bad.

I was out of yoga pants.

I’d resorted to wearing the lacy, date-night underwear.

It had gotten so bad, I would have to start wearing…the…thongs.

Since the situation had clearly become untenable, I decided to go to a laundromat. Naturally, I checked out the reviews online and found one in my old neighborhood near the optometrist’s office where my glasses were waiting. Oh, hooray, I could stack errands.

On the appointed day, I got dressed up in my fancy jeans and a pretty blouse I used to wear to work when I had an actual job, and loaded up an estimated 21 cubic feet of dirty laundry into the minivan.

I was feeling pretty MILFy.

Those jeans are the second-most expensive clothing item I own (the most expensive being my first wedding dress, which was pretty cheap as far as wedding dresses go). Those jeans are a class act. I bought them from a local boutique. They were hand-made in America by fairly paid workers. And they have a very generous ‘vanity sizing’ policy that makes me feel all young and fit whenever I look at the number.

Nobody needed to know I was using a rubber band to extend the waistband a bit. Shh! It’s a secret.

I must have been dripping with sex appeal, because a guy in coveralls asked me if there were any more laundry carts when he noticed the expert way I rolled a cart to my minivan to unload the laundry.

And then there was the 20-something, white t-shirt clad hipster who practically whispered, “Bless you,” when I sneezed. Moments later, when he sneezed, I didn’t return the blessing. I didn’t want to seem too easy.

You know what they say about sneezes…

I was getting hot, so I casually twisted my hair into a tousled, suggestive bun and took a seat in front of the washing machines while I flipped through Vanity Fair and Wired, because I’m all about high society. And tech.

I was there for a long time. Long enough that I had to use the restroom.

When I used the facilities, I discovered my period had started because of course, and when I looked in the mirror, I realized my hair was more messy than tousled, and noted that I really should have put on some eye make-up to hide the dark circles, but maybe I just looked like I was up all night partying and am so confident I can totally do laundry without wearing full make-up.

Sexy means having nothing to prove!

So, I went to the convenience store next door to buy the necessary supplies and see if I could cash in my free Kevita coupons. Alas, they had no Kevita, but they did have some fancy $5 kombucha–the good kind, with the alcohol warning–so I splurged.

Hipster guy had finished his little load of laundry, but coveralls guy sought my advice on where to insert the quarters for the dryer, and there was a new hipster guy. This one had on nerdy glasses. Oh!

I was pretty sure we made eye contact.

Why didn’t I have these laundromat interactions in my younger days? I hadn’t been to a laundromat in about a decade. Has the scene changed? Or was it me? I pondered as I folded laundry for over two hours.

Finally, finally, I loaded up two wheelie-carts with four laundry baskets, and filled another big basket of still-slightly-damp clothes I’d realized I could finish drying at home, rather than pumping more quarters into the machine, and was contemplating whether it would be safe to leave the basket in the laundromat while I rolled the wheelie-carts to the minivan when nerdy-glasses-guy offered to help me.

He said all that laundry looked a bit precarious.

Oh, yes, I just knew I was MILFy!

As he rolled out wheelie-cart #2, a basket started to fall and he reached out to steady it. He stopped as if his hand would burn on contact. “You probably don’t want me to touch your..undergarments,” he mumbled sheepishly.

His eyes filled with gratitude as I prevented the basket from hitting the pavement. It would have been a much hotter situation if the undergarment in question hadn’t been a once-white, threadbare, nursing sports bra.

“Thanks, I’ve got it from here,” I reassured my knight.

Perhaps sensing the danger of sending me to the laundromat, my husband encouraged me to get the washing machine repaired shortly thereafter, but I might just go back there for the thrill of it.

I just might.

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Part of the solution since 1973.

43 thoughts on “Laundromat Fantasies

  1. Where to start? This post was so funny, so vainly self-deprecating, so damn clever…I thought I’d written it for a moment. Then I remembered that I’ve blacked out the sizes in all of my clothes with a Sharpie, so it couldn’t be my post. Brilliant, my friend. So brilliant, in fact, I shall be sharing.

    Love the new blog look. I’ve been away so long, it’s like everyone’s changed and grown up. Can I say that I’ve missed you? And after reading this post, I realized I’ve missed you for a damn good reason that has nothing to do with your awesome muffins.

    And for the record, you’re totally a MILF. You know, if I was a dude. Or a lesbian. Or bi-curious. Your hubby should get that washer fixed. Fast!

    Missed you!

    xo

    Miss Snarky Pants

    P.S. Don’t touch that tagline. Love it!

  2. Where to start? This post was so funny, so vainly self-deprecating, so damn clever…I thought I’d written it for a moment. Then I remembered that I’ve blacked out the sizes in all of my clothes with a Sharpie, so it couldn’t be my post. Brilliant, my friend. So brilliant, in fact, I shall be sharing.

    Love the new blog look. I’ve been away so long, it’s like everyone’s changed and grown up. Can I say that I’ve missed you? And after reading this post, I realized I’ve missed you for a damn good reason that has nothing to do with your awesome muffins.

    And for the record, you’re totally a MILF. You know, if I was a dude. Or a lesbian. Or bi-curious. Your hubby should get that washer fixed. Fast!

    Missed you!

    xo

    Miss Snarky Pants

        1. Thanks!! Seriously, I love your comment. It’s funny and flattering and snarky and all around wonderful and YOU GET that I’m making fun of my vanity in this post.

          Can’t wait to read your book…need advance readers?

  3. This is most excellent, I suspect you were a breath of fresh air for the laundry mat. Likely all the guys are hoping you will return!!

    When we visit the Bahamas for more than a long weekend we do laundry at a laundry mat to avoid carrying to much luggage. I despise each and every experience.

    1. Thanks Val. The best part was something I didn’t even include: a mom and her daughter, who was maybe four or five, folding laundry. The daughter was so helpful. You could tell it was a routine. I was so impressed by how well they worked together.

    1. Thanks Ross! It’s a whole new world out there. I didn’t know they had reviews either. I was hoping to find one with a cafe, but no such luck :). Thanks for the visit.

  4. Oh, you wild woman you. Nothing like a trip to the laundromat to ramp up your mojo, huh? Maybe those of us with functioning washing machines need to give it a try… 😉

  5. I had a similar laundromat event in Okinawa when you were almost 2. We took the bus up to Camp Hansen with a load of your diapers to the laundromat on the USMC base. The smell blended right in with all the garlic and live chicken smells. I was 6 months pregnant and had to ward off attention from young 20 year old Marines trying to flirt with me by preteding they wanted to know if they should use bleach….

  6. There should be some sort of symbol in the title to these posts when you women are going to spring unexpected menstruation verbiage upon unsuspecting readers!!! Lol. What fun, I haven’t been to a laundromat in quite some time! Maybe I should check it out for old times sake!

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