The Lies I Tell Myself: Part 1, #NaBloPoMo

lips

Lie, Lay, Lied

Grammar! Sex! Sleep Deprivation! And exploring the lies I tell myself.

“Lie, Lay, Lied” was the original title and premise of my blog. The inside joke was that I can never remember whether to say “lie” or “lay” even though I’m a self-proclaimed grammar geek.

I wanted to explore such paradoxes, the inner conflict, the difference between my life as it is and the life I imagined I would have. I wanted to create a blog fueled by humor and heart. And honesty. I wanted to come to terms with my past: you know, the truth will set you free and all that jazz

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My Lips are Sealed

I started out with ambitious intentions, but quickly decided that writing about sex (the “getting laid” part of my premise) was TMI.

I did not have the guts, after all, to write about the “truerotica” that is my marriage bed, complete with examples of what my loving helpful husband had done earlier in the day. I thought it would inspire husbands around the world to help out a little more around the house, since we all that’s the best form of foreplay.

I don’t mean this in a tit-for-tat way (pun intended. I do that). I believe that strong marriages are based on collaboration and partnership on household duties as well as consciously nurturing passion and physical intimacy, and that these are mutually reinforcing.

And, based on the search terms that sometimes daily lead people to my blog, I think a lot of guys would be, um, receptive to getting marriage advice disguised as soft-core porn. Alas, they must end up very disappointed when they realize that their ideas of “cheerleader confessions”  and “my sweet girl” are very different from mine!

However, because I am compulsively honest, I quickly shifted focus from an anonymous blog and a pseudonym to a fully public blog. I decided I shouldn’t publish anything on the internet that I wouldn’t want my name on. I toyed with site titles like “TMI, Kylie, TMI” and “Kylie’s Open Book” but settled on The Life of Kylie, because: a) that’s what it is, and b) it’s a play on “the life of Riley” which is all about being lucky. And I’m not.

Also, I really dig that Lightning Seeds song.

I continued to promise I’d write about the lies I tell myself. I really need to do this. I really need to write about all the negative self-talk I engage in. I need to write about the self-sabotage, how I undermine myself, and how this hurts me and those I love. I need to write about it so I can let it go.

Two years in, I still haven’t done it. Feeling too vulnerable, I linked up a second, private  “Top Secret” blog to provide a home for the soul-searching. But I still haven’t done it.

I’ve written about my father’s death at age 39 in active military service.

I’ve written about one friend’s suicide and another friend’s death via falling tree.

I’ve written about my unplanned pregnancy, shotgun marriage, and premature baby.

I’ve even written about my divorce from a high school teacher who was sleeping with a minor student, now my daughter’s “stepmother.”

That was all really hard. But it helped me.

My husband once observed that I talk about the past while he talks about the future. He’s an optimist and a goal-setter, and he makes things happen. I live so much in my past and in my head.

I’m turning 40 in five short days. The best gift I can give myself is to let go of all these lies I tell myself. These lies that prevent me from letting go of past hurts and current insecurities and just…live.

And that’s what I want to do: live the life of Kylie.

Thanks for reading.

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Part of the solution since 1973.

35 thoughts on “The Lies I Tell Myself: Part 1, #NaBloPoMo

  1. You know, it just so happens that I think we are traveling down familiar roads. It’s relieving and comforting to see that other people are on this ride. It helps me. It helps anyone else who is doing the same. In an odd way,,. we are all helping each other out passively, and that’s what I like most about driving down these roads.

  2. Kylie…OMG I so totally “get it”….I have an idea…I need to do the same thing. I really do so maybe, you and I can egg each other on, maybe we can get each other started, maybe even make a game/challenge of it. I am guest blogging on Black Box on the 28th and it’s a very personal story it’s time to tell…and my “mix tape” today, that too is a story I need to tell. Why? Well not because anyone needs to hear it, but I need to tell it because that IS the only way to get it out and let it go and we cannot move forward if we are too busy looking backwards.

    1. Well said!!

      Maybe we can co-host a “Lies I Tell Myself” invitational. Jen & Tonic’s “Tabula Rasa” post really connected with what I want to do, thematically. She’s so amazing. If you haven’t read it yet, go there for some inspiration too 🙂

      I’ll be sure to watch for your post on BBW.

      I’m hoping to get my post written this week, as a response to the Weekly Challenge. Tonight I’m trying to read others’ blogs since I haven’t had much chance to do that lately. I’m so tired I’m dizzy.

      1. I Love Jen from Jen and Tonic. She is awesome and so is her blog. Never saw it before Nablo tho…But I will check out what you are referencing and I am open to however you think…for me it’s more about commitment to just doing it….If you want to laugh your butt off…you have got to read my post in the morning (I just finished it and scheduled it for 7:11 am) ,,,talk about being tired and dizzy!!! or is it ditzy? Maybe both lol :p

          1. Awww I would SO love that, but I am not in Portland anymore…I am currently in So Cal…however, I am trying to work out a visit (my kids and grand baby are still in Portland/Tigard) for mid January so maybe an after holiday get together can be arraigned? I head to Colorado sometime shortly after for an anniversary bash for one of the newspapers I write for.

  3. I always feel like people will be ready to say some things when they’re ready. I’ve been writing for over 7 years, and I’ve only just begun saying some things I’ve been thinking for a long time. I only published humor because it’s safer; the more serious stuff still scares me when I post it.

    I love that you’re at the point where you just want to live. You can’t change the past, but you can shape your future.

  4. I look forward to seeing the continuing evolution of you and your blogging and fiction writing. Here’s hoping that this big milestone birthday will bring about continued relief and inspiration in your writing and your life.

    And I can never remember which one to use either – lie or lay. I always have to look it up and sometimes that doesn’t even help. Sheesh.

    1. It’s so confusing because the present tense of one is that past tense of another. I’m trying to turn that into something really deep and profound. Hmmm.

      1. What’s funny is that when I saw this comment reply come in on my phone, I didn’t connect that it was the grammar piece we were talking about, so when I saw the present tense of one is the past tense of another it did feel really deep and profound. Ha!

  5. I see you’re pondering and reflecting here, which I think is healthy and what a blog is all about. At least for me, too, I’ve struggled a little with my focus, with what I reveal, with what might be useful or helpful to someone else. You’ve accomplished so much. I think it will come to you what you want to share next. There’s nothing wrong with remembering what has come before. I like that you started writing some fiction. Maybe you can channel some of your past into that, too.

    Kylie, you made some changes on your blog! I know you were thinking about making changes. That was really fast. They look really great!!

    1. Thanks Amy. My “focus” is that of a fly… so many lenses in so many directions! I really enjoy writing the fiction pieces and I’m toying with incorporating that into my next post on this subject. I never thought I could write fiction, much less poetry. But now, thanks to the flash fiction posts, I’ve gained so much more confidence! I have even thought about writing a young adult novel based on that “Oklahoma” post I wrote about the dust bowl, but I want to learn more about the history first.
      It seems so many of us come to blogging because we are going through some kind of major life transition.
      Speaking of… I love to redecorate. I’m constantly tinkering with the theme of my blog, but I think I’m going to stick with this look for awhile. I like that Adelle has social following buttons–not many free blogs do! I’ve also been thinking about moving to a WP.org format but need to learn more about it, and how you can keep continuity with the bloggers you follow and are followed by. The community is the best part of this. I’m excited that the WordPress blog is writing about this subject this week.

      1. They are writing about changing over to a new format, etc. I’ll have to sit in on that one. I worry about making a big change and losing everything that I’ve worked for. I will look into the Adelle. I like the buttons!

        It’s interesting how a little piece of flash fiction can inspire a whole novel. That’s what happened to me, too. Now if I can get back to it! Novel writing takes a lot of time and patience.

        Keep up the wonderful work, Kylie!

          1. Not this year! It was a great experience and I do recommend it if you’ve never done it. I’m trying to write a novel, Kylie. I need to get back to it. It’s a long process. Like a marathon run, only longer!! Hey, I was wondering if you saw that post about changing over to a new format or site with WordPress. I’ve been looking for it, but I have not seen it. Have you? Thanks!

            1. I haven’t seen it yet. I’ve been thinking about switching to the self-hosted version for awhile but want to know more about how to maintain the community. Like, do we still get to follow people through the Reader?

              1. Self-hosted, huh? That’s a big step. You could probably blog about that. Someone will know! Ha! Well, let me know if you see it. Likewise, if I do, I’ll will tell you. Thanks!

  6. Here’s some advice I give myself from time to time: “just be how you want to be. No conversations, no resolutions, no agreements. Just be.” Eh?

        1. My MOM is the one who told me that. And my brother, born two years and two days after me.

          You are welcome. This is only one part of why my birthdays are so traumatic.

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